Beautiful Contradictions

In their head... It's cold inside my head, where my demons reside, trapping me within this body of mine, but the iciness doesn't make me shiver anymore. I turned seventeen two months ago, full of hope that I'd finally be freed. And it's been thirty-eight days, three hundred and sixty-four minutes and forty-two seconds since I left that God-forsaken house and moved into my dorm but nothing. -Keenan Constance (From Unsplash) The door has my name on it, Delphine in delicate black cursive, but I know it doesn't belong to me. Not completely, never completely, how could it, for I myself belong to intruders turned tenants. They tell me I'm naive, they tell me I'm worthless, they tell me I'll get hurt because I deserve it. I'm trapped in my head but it seems eerily safe now. I do what I'm told. Numb and Distant, Numb and Distant, Numb and Distant and that's what I've become. These "Demons", they hold me captive simply to

It's not letting go when it's driven by fear The difference between letting go and giving up is rather confusing and that makes it easy to justify the latter. There's this book that says letting go doesn't require strength, it only requires an understanding of self, and the fact is when you don't understand yourself and what you want you, end up giving up. I have given up so many things and the reason behind that was that I just didn't give myself a chance. When I started anything, I'd look at someone better than me and give up. News flash to my younger self, that's not how the world works. You have to work hard and learn from those people who were "better" than you. No one has their path to success laid out for them and you have to pave your own. -Redd Angelo (From Unsplash) I used to love dancing and I quit. I used to love drawing. I tried playing the guitar. I tried playing the keyboard. But I didn't give myself a chance.

Seeking inspiration Sometimes I'm like a glowing sim with green sparkles being emitted from my body, and sometimes I'm like a green slug instead. But inspiration isn't something you randomly find. It's a state that you get to when there's internal balance, you have to be in your feel good place. You can't get inspired at the snap of a finger. I've started identifying the things that inspire me. And surprisingly, all of them are things I have control over. I love writing and I'm inspired after I do but it's that initial push that's the most "challenging" however all you need for that push is a vision of what it'll help you do, which is something everyone is capable of. When I'm inspired is when I'm productive and I get things done well. I make these detailed lists od what I need to do but when it comes to doing them nothing pushes me except that image of accomplishment I have in my head. And the best part is having

It's been brilliant I've always enjoyed learning and it's a blessing to be able to learn continually. This phase of my life has taught me invaluable lessons: I learned to be understanding.I took the time to understand myself. I also truly understood that expectations usually lead to disappointment and that enabled me to be happier. I stopped looking for an end and focused my energy on the process; I was taught to trust again. I was taught to feel again. And that taught me to truly live, again. I've bawled my eyes over nothing and I've laughed until I choked and was gasping for air. I've felt immense pride as well as like a disappointment; I truly learned how to be a beautiful contradiction. I found a gray within myself and maintained a sense of balance in my environment. I saw how much there's left for me to do; Scope. I learned about the scope I have to learn, to be better and to make a change. I realized that I want to make a change for the bet

Or short-sighted Ah puns, they sure make my day better. And yes I have myopia. *chuckles. It feels like a rut and I'm getting comfortable in it when I really shouldn't be. I know it'll be incredibly messy to get out of this if I delay it, but I don't feel like putting in the effort, masochistic of me isn't it... I used to know, I loved knowing but I don't anymore, at least as much as I thought I did. Ignorance is bliss they say, it feels like limbo though. And I'm in this state where I want to get out of it but when the time comes I just don't. I'm ready to get out now. I'm ready to seek my own inspiration and to inspire myself. I still have a lot to learn from my past and my past self in particular. I seem to be losing the resilience I used to have and I'm not going to letting go of that anytime soon. It doesn't seem easy but it really isn't easy and what would be the fun if it was? And I guess the only way I'll make

They might just be the death of me Yes change is brilliant and all but it often drains everything out f a person and by the time you get yourself back change is one step ahead of you altering what you just found out. It's a never ending circle and sometimes all you need is a break. A break from the cycle, a break from the mocking tick-tock of the clock and a break from the voices in your head. The thing is when the chain breaks, your bicycle doesn't move forward anymore, does it? It becomes easy to not take the tiring route but the fact is that that easy path breaks the chain of your bicycle and then the path doesn't seem all that easy. I guess it's just the choice between using an illusory path on foot or a rocky path on your cycle. Everything changes and nothing stand still -Heraclitus Sometimes you question your own identity because so much changes and that's the reason I, like so many others, find the Ship of Theseus so fascinating. I guess it's inc

Not that I'm a seer or anything I guess dreams, or more accurately visions are things we all have. And the hope to achieve them one day is what pushes us to do what we otherwise wouldn't have. I guess it's one of those human things... It's not easy despite what pop culture shows us often times. Your knight in shining armor doesn't exist and is far from saving you from distress, success doesn't come knocking when you least expect it, and a happily ever after is just part of your imagination. However, some things from movies and fiction are parts of reality, and more often than not, major parts. Love and friends and perseverance are essential components of your life. You choose to let relationships make you happy because that's what's easy... At least that's what we think but wishful thinking. *sighs. Hope. All you actually do is hope that it's easy and that it'll be worth it, that your relationships don't take more than you can giv

Yes, you can say either. No, not both You can't and won't be happy if you let people walk over you, if you beat yourself up and if you're constantly doing things you don't truly enjoy. Learn to clear your head of all your inhibitions and negative thoughts about yourself. Start saying yes to things you've always wanted to do. Don't be what holds you back. Say yes to new things, rejecting them without trying them, without any knowledge of how that experience might be, is just inhibiting your growth as an individual. Say yes to spending more time with yourself even if it means saying no to other people, especially if you've never been alone by choosing to do so. Spending time with yourself is the best thing you can do, learn about you, become the person you'll be happy being. Say no to people putting you down, say no to questioning yourself. Say no to urges that hinder your growth and take you farther from your goals. Learn to stand up for yo

People change or people die. Those will always be the only two ways something ends. Funny how death is the preferred choice in this scenario. Things are not worth it, in my opinion, when the probability of people changing is greater than death. Shelf-life is merely a myth. You can add as many preservatives as you please but that makes things fake and unhealthy and they still perish. Nothing lasts forever and if it does then you won't, to be able to enjoy it.. I've grow up with movies and books and stories where this was made very clear. Those stories showed a protagonist as someone human who reinvented the method to live despite change being constant for themselves, and as all those self help books preach, it all starts with acceptance... Conscious acceptance of the fact that as humans we are destined to end but that doesn't mean life must be discounted it only means attaching yourself to people and things and expecting them to remain the same isn't the smart

'Round the AM My life practically revolves around the AM, you'd think that'd be enough to make me start getting up early but sadly it's not even close. My schedule is so wacky that my body is used to change everyday. Most days I sleep past 2 and most days I try to wake up before the pm... Same days I sleep whenever but wake up at 7 am. I work best when everyone's asleep but lately that has equaled to me being sleepy when everyone's awake. I have been thinking of doing that wake up early thing that people keep raving about. Along with that I've been considering writing everyday, as in posting everyday. I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking about my to-do list for the next two years and I'll probably need a 35 hour day or a time-turner to do everything, however I am not Hermione Granger nor Father time so I will have to learn how to work efficiently and fast. My most unproductive habit is laying around in bed in that half awa

I've been acting weird lately It's not all introspection, I have gotten some "feedback" but it is high time for introspection so here goes. I have changed, but who doesn't, the thing is that I've become something I'm not exactly fond of an this calls for further, planned change. I have started being very 'reactive', I start crying when something's wrong and that turns into an all-out tantrum, I whine for the littlest things and it seems like the only way I'm happy is while being a control freak. Therefore, I've decided it's high time for a self-intervention. I need to be patient because as I'm being insane, I'm driving everyone around me up the wall and this behavior wasn't acceptable at 4, in the same way it's not acceptable now. I think meditation and letting it out is the only way I'll be able to work on this. Feel something completely and then move on, I've been feeling things then not moving

Introspection I need to look at myself now and then to figure out things I need to change and things I need to improve, and i think most people need this. I don't like who I am sometimes and I've learnt that it's not about liking yourself all the time but about always having the will to work to being that someone you like. It's not been an easy journey and decision making isn't always easy. It's never black and white, it's always grey and you need to prioritize and balance out the things that matter to you before you can do anything. Lately I've let things get to me easy and I've begun to miss the time I wasn't fazed by anything. Perhaps I changed because I was bored, perhaps it's because I took myself for granted but it was also because I began valuing other things and forgot to find my balance but I'm working on that now. Patience is a virtue and I never spent time developing it but I am now and it's not even close to lat

Lists and things I've always had this fascination for lists of any kind really. So this time I'm doing a 2017 to do list and I know it's February but better late than never. 2017 Find your favorite movie Burns more candles Spend a little time with only yourself everyday Dress up for yourself more Read at least 12 books Push yourself, especially when you feel down Spend more time in silence Maintain a journal Use better words Practice shower meditation Learn single tasking Study until you understand Say yes Purge the clutter

Oh yay. I'm stressed again and I know this because my scalp is disgusting again. My hair feels like straw and the flakiness is back. This is no fun because now, on top of everything I have to take care of my scalp psoriasis. Starting tomorrow it's 75 days till these boards finally finish and then it's one year of profile building and enjoying everything I do until the stress of the twelfth grade takes over... And I can only imagine how that will be. With the boards and apps. *Laughs nervously, I'll probably go crazy. The only positive here is that the stress doesn't truly affect my performance... It just affects my health after a terrific "performance". So cheers! I guess... To my stomach trying to kill me and my scalp flaking off in patches. *Sigh, can't wait. Now I've got a very very boring project to finish so ciao! Edit: You know what? I'm not giving into it! So look out for an upcoming post about stress management. Bye now.

Necessities Some things in life are necessary. Like work and perseverance. Giving up gets you, literally, nowhere. You have to work for everything. You have to work to not worry, you have to work to not miss people, work to move on, to do well and finally to even be happy. Work:  activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a result. But the thing is, if you do it right then it's all worth it. I've always hated the idea of having regrets and today I don't regret a single thing. I am mindful and make my decisions with awareness so that I don't regret them later on. And the best part is that I'm truly a happier person because of it. I am aware of what's required of me to achieve what I want and I am working. Perhaps not always as hard but it's something and I'm still learning. That's a never ending process so I will never be the "best" but I will always be better, and that gives me a tomorrow to look fo

Enough. Learn to say you've had enough. Learn to use your voice. We all have a voice. We all have ways to express ourselves. Learn to say enough! Stop taking it. If you don't like it, say "NO". If you don't want it, say "NO". If you're tired of it, say "NO". Stop taking it. It gets tough. I know it gets tough. You know it is tough. But raise your voice because it's not easy but neither is it worth it. Love yourself. Do not cut. Do not stop eating. Do not give up. Love yourself. Have hope. You will learn strength. You will learn happiness. You will learn to trust. You will learn to love. Have hope. Be there for yourself. No one will get to know you if you don't want to know yourself. No one will be able to love you if you don't love yourself. No one will support you if you don't support yourself. Be there for yourself. Ask for help. Ask to learn. Ask for help. Do not be afraid to ask. Do not be afraid to fe

Funny innit? That's from someplace... I can't seem to remember where. *Exhales, sometimes breathing is the only thing that you can do. And I realize that I may not be making any sense at all. Hope. It messes with your head. I feel like I'll make it, I feel like I can handle the challenge and this is completely different from a couple of days ago when I was drowning in self-doubt. *Shakes head... This is insane. Life and the things it does, they're insane. The way my mind deals with things is insane. Insanity. We live in a realm of insanity. Illusions, tricks and images that cause misery. Wonderland gets dark sometimes; But hope, hope is mine. Wow... That wasn't planned. *Smiles, I wrote poetry! It's been so long. I'm inspiring myself, so I'll keep doing that and you can check out previous posts. Until next bye... Luv, Musk.

Creeping back in It's simple. You get motivated, you trust yourself to do something but then self-doubt creeps in and you don't know what to do anymore. I mostly won't be applying to the YYGS this year. But I am next year, no doubts there. Now back to doubts. Don't look at yourself unless you are 100% sure that you're going to see yourself for what you are. Nothing more, nothing less. Thinking you're greater than what you are brings you down and thinking you're nothing compared to what you truly are doesn't even let you go anywhere. Doubts are like demons. They rip you from within until you just collapse. I guess the only thing you can do is not give up. Have a time-line for yourself. Tell yourself to hold on. Lean on the people who love you. Ask for help because someone will give it to you. You will find someone who loves you, family, friends, a pet, anyone. For me it's 944 days and everyday I feel down I stay up till mid-night to cross a

Let's make it I tell myself this all the time now... I've started believing it on some level now and turns out I actually can work. I've enrolled in a couple of courses... I realize I've probably done that a million times now but hey, I can only do better right? 😅 I'm positive this can be done and that's a first in a long time. All or Nothing. That's the final resolution I'm settling on. I'm going to give my all even if it means getting nothing in return. Because it's all that's in my hands and it's a gamble, I know. But it's a gamble I'm willing to take. I've downloaded a planner that I have begun to use. I've downloaded Duolingo so the language learning is back. Oh and I'm writing for fifteen minutes everyday meaning more posts. The only thing left now is to actually get out there and start doing more things but for that I need to be 100% sure that I'm truly dedicated to what I do. Despite all the

How original... Yes I've written on this before, but trust me this is different. Time is fickle Time is funny It's my friend Yet my worst enemy. I'd written that ages ago. On a sleepless night when words just flow. I'm so frustrated today because right now time is my worst enemy. First of all, my energy hasn't loaded in Cases. Next, I'm worried and in pain because worry just happens to intensify every symptom of your sickness. And time just doesn't want to move on. Like it's just going on... The same second is stretching endlessly. You know that time when there's something really important to you and you need to make sacrifices for it and do things that may put you in danger. Yeah, what you don't know is that those things actually worry the people that care about you. Also, yes I'm throwing immense shade right now but I don't particularly care because this is still a universal message. Speaking of shade, I will tell t

Bittersweet And no I'm not talking about chocolate. Sometimes things in general are bittersweet. It's this odd sort of balance that you could do without, at least you think you could but that just may be wrong. I guess this year's off to a rocky start, but so is life. *Shrugs, it just can't go according to plan but that adds character, you know? Things aren't just unique the way they've been created, the get weathered and molded into what we see around us, experience everyday or are surprised by when we least expect it. You know? Almost 7.5 billion people on this planet and no one is the same. Nature just won't let us be because that's a waste of resources. On earth we don't have replicas because that's just not how life works but w the system is brilliant as it gives you no chance to be the exact same. Life happens and voila! You're different from everyone else. Congratulations! The thing is as long as you accept these bitterswe

Bring it on! So I saw this meme this morning and it made my day. Funny how the Sound of Music is still relevant. *Shrugs... I found it funny. Now there's this song called Snow by Sleeping At Last and it is beautiful. And there are these two sentences: We'll build new traditions in place of the old 'cause life without revision will silence our souls. Our world gets rewritten and retraced every-time. Like fresh plates and clean slates, our future is white. New Year's resolutions reset tonight. And they did didn't they? So here are a couple of mine... I resolve to step out of the house more and respect my body and mind. I vow to cause less hurt and be stronger. I will do everything wholly and refuse to quit any longer. And lastly, I will share. I will share my strength, I will share other people's pain and most importantly I will share myself. And I think that's it for 2017 hmm? Here's to hoping for a beautiful grey. Cheers! Luv