Just being a beautiful contradiction.

Hi

Sorry for being MIA. I had my charity show and my play was brilliant, if I do say so myself. I even danced well and I haven't wanted to dance for years. Once upon a time,
I was an amazing dancer but I guess I didn't want to continue that connection anymore. I've gotten disconnected from everything and I feel so detached all of a sudden.
Right before my performance, I got to know that my mom had come from the hospital and I freaked, towards the middle of the show she left again and by the end I finally had some clarity as to how she was. Turns out she had 5 kidney stones, so I stayed with her at the hospital this whole week. She's back home now, under my care.
I started reading fanfic again. I'm reading 'Love and Other Tragedies' and I can relate to Lily in so many ways. I feel... so different from before. It's like I don't know where I belong. I just can't seem to connect. I feel lonely but I have amazing friends. Actually lonely doesn't define what I feel... I enjoy being with my friends but I cherish my solitude and even when I'm with people that feeling of being with myself wants to linger. Like in the 'Piano Man', Billy Joel sang "Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone". It's like everybody sees me, nobody knows me. I don't know if it's me who doesn't want to be known, or them who don't want to know. But I feel happy. At least I think I'm happy. Sometimes I wonder if even I know myself truly. But perception isn't always reality.
I've always wanted power. Not over anyone or anything but my life. I want to look after myself such that I won't be vulnerable to disaster and broken relations. I've just feel like I've lost my beginning but now I know my course.
I don't know... whether it's pathetic to be someone you're not but you think you are and that's how you've become known. It's odd how people get lost in perception and reality. Someone's perception becomes your reality. I feel so lost yet I know where I am, who I am and what I seem to want. My obsession with beautiful contradictions has led to me becoming one and yet I'm simple and that one word is so complex. I've started making small observations and I realised everyone wants to be free. But what is free? And free from what exactly? It's all perception that becomes reality.
Something I started just a week ago is writing using songs and sort of decoding the lyrics, using them as metaphors or building from them and currently I'm working on 'Wasteland' by ATC, and I'm gonna share it here as soon as it's done.
Until then, bye.

Luv,
Musk.

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