Posts

Trapped

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In their head... It's cold inside my head, where my demons reside, trapping me within this body of mine, but the iciness doesn't make me shiver anymore. I turned seventeen two months ago, full of hope that I'd finally be freed. And it's been thirty-eight days, three hundred and sixty-four minutes and forty-two seconds since I left that God-forsaken house and moved into my dorm but nothing. The door has my name on it, Delphine in delicate black cursive, but I know it doesn't belong to me. Not completely, never completely, how could it, for I myself belong to intruders turned tenants. They tell me I'm naive, they tell me I'm worthless, they tell me I'll get hurt because I deserve it. I'm trapped in my head but it seems eerily safe now. I do what I'm told. Numb and Distant, Numb and Distant, Numb and Distant and that's what I've become.
These "Demons", they hold me captive simply to protect me. At least that's what the man in…

Giving up

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It's not letting go when it's driven by fear The difference between letting go and giving up is rather confusing and that makes it easy to justify the latter. There's this book that says letting go doesn't require strength, it only requires an understanding of self, and the fact is when you don't understand yourself and what you want you, end up giving up. I have given up so many things and the reason behind that was that I just didn't give myself a chance. When I started anything, I'd look at someone better than me and give up. News flash to my younger self, that's not how the world works. You have to work hard and learn from those people who were "better" than you. No one has their path to success laid out for them and you have to pave your own.
I used to love dancing and I quit. I used to love drawing. I tried playing the guitar. I tried playing the keyboard. But I didn't give myself a chance. I'm giving myself a chance now. I love…

Inspiration

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Seeking inspiration Sometimes I'm like a glowing sim with green sparkles being emitted from my body, and sometimes I'm like a green slug instead. But inspiration isn't something you randomly find. It's a state that you get to when there's internal balance, you have to be in your feel good place. You can't get inspired at the snap of a finger. I've started identifying the things that inspire me. And surprisingly, all of them are things I have control over. I love writing and I'm inspired after I do but it's that initial push that's the most "challenging" however all you need for that push is a vision of what it'll help you do, which is something everyone is capable of. When I'm inspired is when I'm productive and I get things done well. I make these detailed lists od what I need to do but when it comes to doing them nothing pushes me except that image of accomplishment I have in my head. And the best part is having that ima…

What I've learnt

It's been brilliant I've always enjoyed learning and it's a blessing to be able to learn continually. This phase of my life has taught me invaluable lessons: I learned to be understanding.I took the time to understand myself. I also truly understood that expectations usually lead to disappointment and that enabled me to be happier. I stopped looking for an end and focused my energy on the process; I was taught to trust again. I was taught to feel again. And that taught me to truly live, again. I've bawled my eyes over nothing and I've laughed until I choked and was gasping for air. I've felt immense pride as well as like a disappointment; I truly learned how to be a beautiful contradiction. I found a gray within myself and maintained a sense of balance in my environment. I saw how much there's left for me to do; Scope. I learned about the scope I have to learn, to be better and to make a change. I realized that I want to make a change for the better and I …

Lost

Or short-sightedAh puns, they sure make my day better. And yes I have myopia. *chuckles. It feels like a rut and I'm getting comfortable in it when I really shouldn't be. I know it'll be incredibly messy to get out of this if I delay it, but I don't feel like putting in the effort, masochistic of me isn't it... I used to know, I loved knowing but I don't anymore, at least as much as I thought I did. Ignorance is bliss they say, it feels like limbo though. And I'm in this state where I want to get out of it but when the time comes I just don't. I'm ready to get out now. I'm ready to seek my own inspiration and to inspire myself. I still have a lot to learn from my past and my past self in particular. I seem to be losing the resilience I used to have and I'm not going to letting go of that anytime soon. It doesn't seem easy but it really isn't easy and what would be the fun if it was? And I guess the only way I'll make it out of t…

Changes...

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They might just be the death of me Yes change is brilliant and all but it often drains everything out f a person and by the time you get yourself back change is one step ahead of you altering what you just found out. It's a never ending circle and sometimes all you need is a break. A break from the cycle, a break from the mocking tick-tock of the clock and a break from the voices in your head. The thing is when the chain breaks, your bicycle doesn't move forward anymore, does it? It becomes easy to not take the tiring route but the fact is that that easy path breaks the chain of your bicycle and then the path doesn't seem all that easy. I guess it's just the choice between using an illusory path on foot or a rocky path on your cycle. Everything changes and nothing stand still -Heraclitus Sometimes you question your own identity because so much changes and that's the reason I, like so many others, find the Ship of Theseus so fascinating. I guess it's inconsiste…

Aspirations

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Not that I'm a seer or anything I guess dreams, or more accurately visions are things we all have. And the hope to achieve them one day is what pushes us to do what we otherwise wouldn't have. I guess it's one of those human things... It's not easy despite what pop culture shows us often times. Your knight in shining armor doesn't exist and is far from saving you from distress, success doesn't come knocking when you least expect it, and a happily ever after is just part of your imagination. However, some things from movies and fiction are parts of reality, and more often than not, major parts. Love and friends and perseverance are essential components of your life. You choose to let relationships make you happy because that's what's easy... At least that's what we think but wishful thinking. *sighs. Hope. All you actually do is hope that it's easy and that it'll be worth it, that your relationships don't take more than you can give and …